Girl to cop giving her a ticket after finding beers inside her brown bag: You need a warrant for that!
Cop: No, I don't.
Girl: You can't just look in there without, umm, probable cause!
Cop: Yes, I can.
Girl: You need to get a warrant first!

--Nassau Ave & Lorimer St, Greenpoint

Overheard by: David L.

Black guy with bags, bumping into Hispanic woman: Don't gimme that look, not my fault, not my fuckin' fault! (Hispanic woman just glares) Look at me again and I'll fuck you in the ass!

--53rd St & 5th Ave

Trinidadian hobo: Step into the car and please don't block the doors. There's another train directly behind this one. Biiing-bonnng! That's from the old cars. This is how they do it now: "Dingdong!" (recorded "if you see something, say something" message plays; hobo recites the message along with it, mimicking perfectly.) "Tell a police officer or an MTA employee." Or tell me, because it might be a bag o' money. Or weed. But if it's only a nickel bag of weed, just turn it in to a policeman. If it's a 500-pound bag, give it to me! I need that haze! Now, here's a picture of my wife. Two years ago, on Easter Sunday, my wife passed away of a massive heart attack. I want you all to know about this because I want you all to know I'm still single. The ladies, that is, not the men. I'm not gay. I have gay friends, but I'm not gay. I'm a lesbian. I'm a lesbian because I love what they eat!

--4 Train

Overheard by: Aloof Loner

Overcaffeinated teen with drink: I need to blend this. I wish I had blenders for hands.
Serious friend: Some people would want to be able to fly or read minds... I guess that's a pretty good super power too.
Overcaffeinated teen with drink: I'd used my blender hands to stir up the air and fly, like helicopter propellers.
Serious friend: Come on, think about the physics of that. If anything, you'd just create two devastating vortices on either side of you and suck everybody in. No flying.
Overcaffeinated teen with drink: If we're already asking for blender hands, I think a minor change in the laws of physics would be workable.
Serious friend: True. (spins hands like blender-propellers)

--6 Train

Overheard by: Lynne

Female driver to chubby crossing pedestrian: You gonna die, honkey!

--City Island Ave

Overheard by: Sam

Heavy-set and sweaty bus driver to woman with pizza: Lemme...uh...have that pizza. (woman smiles awkwardly, thinking it's a joke) I wasn't kidding. Lemme have that pizza. (woman holding a bag of cookies gets on bus with child)
Heavy-set and sweaty bus driver: Oh, lemme just...uh uh...have one of these...uh uh...cookies. (takes cookie)
Small Asian woman (taken aback and extremely confused): What? You can't take these.
(bus driver stuffs cookie in mouth and ignores woman)
(later)
Bus driver, on PA: Lady, these are some good cookies.

--Uptown Bus to Met from Port Authority

Girl, telling joke: A seven-year-old daughter said to her mother: "Today in school I learned where babies come from."
Mother: Oh, really?
Daughter: Yea, a mommy and daddy take off all their clothes, the mommy makes the dad happy and his thingy stands up a little. Then the mommy puts the thingy in her mouth and the thingy stands up all the way and explodes, and that's where babies come from.
Mother: No, honey, that's where jewelry comes from.
(laughs)
Guy listening, with horrified face: Wait a second, my mom has a shitload of jewelry. Oh, goddammit, eewwwwwwwwwwwww!
Girl: I'm never going to look at your mom the same way ever again.

--Arthur Avenue

Overheard by: Reza Daneshvar

Drunk hipster guy #1 (screaming): Let's see who can make out with the fattest girl tonight. Whoever makes out with the fattest gets ten dollars from everyone else.
Drunk hipster guy #2 (also screaming): Yeah, and if there's a close call, she can judge.
Drunk hipster girl: Hey, I want in on this action! That could be 50 bucks.
Guy #1: Okay, okay, you can play too. But if it comes down to a close call between us guys you have to decide which girl is fatter.
Drunk hipster guy #3: And she can have a good personality.
Drunk hipster guy #4: Why are we screaming?
Drunk hipster guy #1: Because we're Italian.

--LIRR

Overheard by: revolted

Female receptionist to male receptionist: Since you're going to lunch in 20 minutes, can you fill up my water bottle?
Male receptionist: Can you blow me?

Avenue of the Americas
New York City, New York

Overheard by: gb

Male IT worker: Body glitter is not that hard to wash off.

Richmond, Virginia

Accounting woman: I am leaking.
Accounting manager: I heard you just went to the doctor.

Northbrook, Illinois

Overheard by: fishbones

CSR, looking at small child: I want a baby, but I want it to stay small like that.
Serious manager: Well, you should have sex with a dwarf.

Washington, DC

Annoying girl on phone: Great, so your user name is, "the power of oh-nay." Oh. One. That's probably what that is.

Poydras Center
New Orleans, Louisiana

Overheard by: Rosemary